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On arrival at my hotel's bar in Goa I was immediately manhandled from behind . . . assuming it was a Hamersley hasher I waited for the usual groping to be over so I could be on my way . . . but no, a beer bottle was thrust down my pants. Finding the beer bottle empty of beer . . . I knew exactly what was expected of me. I walked calmly to the women's bathroom and checked the stalls to make sure I was alone. I then firmly grasped the neck of the beer bottle and smashed it open on the bathroom sink. As expected, a message from the Lima GM fell out. It read as follows:

Agent Pisstree, this is your mission, should you choose to accept it. Lima H3 intelligence has uncovered covert operations to win GM votes by the current 2004 bid committees (Birth Canal, Whaleington and Bare Midriff). Your job is to smuggle the financial documents and samples of bribery back to Peru. These items are vital to the security of our organization and would be necessary for a successful 2020 Lima H3 bid. You will use whatever means you deem necessary to ensure the successful completion of the objective. This mission will operate under the code name "Money-Shot." This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds.

Having read my directive, I left the bathroom and approached the bar. As the sound of an explosion erupted behind me, I flashed my badge at the bartender and informed him that the womens' toilets were now out of commission.

As I rejoined the crowd I noticed that operation Money-Shot was already in full swing. Each individual bid team had their own restaurant staked out. Already offering food and beer to the pigeons . . . I mean voters. I quietly maneuvered my way over to a table and stuffed some Tandori Chicken in my bum bag and Kingfisher Beer in my back pack.

I noted the usual "cheap bastard" antics of the attending hashers, who had decided to "liberate" a t-shirt from each of the three bid committees . . . of course promising to cast his or her vote for each of them.

I approached one male hasher . . . with a look of lust in my eyes. But what I lusted after was information. I ventured with "how many T-shirts have you got there Honey?" I noted he had the look of too many beers as well. "Well, I got one from each bid, but little do they know I got a t-shirt each time they visited my home hash too!" he slurred. "What ya gonna do with them?" I whispered back. "Hell if I know . . . I guess add them to my 100 plus collection at home," he replied and then knocked over the table as he wobbled on. Hmmmm . . . perhaps a hasher with less than half a brain.

The next day I joined the hashers as they loaded buses to visit secret locations. Of course none of this would have happened if beer was not offered. Just as I was trying to decided which bus to get on I was almost trampled by some 200 hashers trying to get on the Birth Canal Bid Bus. Later I learned from an informant that the Birth Canal hash had offered t-shirts as a bribe to get hashers on their buses. Some hashers were so desparate for these t-shirts that they took cabs to the start instead of trying another bus. I guessed there was secret microfilm embedded in the t-shirts and that I was not the only secret agent here.

I chose Run # 5 with the code name KFB. Originally I thought it stood for Kum Feel my Breasts but I misread the coding. It really stood for KingFisher Brewery. The brewery was a big sponsor of the local event. However the turnout for the run was extremely dismal. I expected it might be, in that the Birth Canal Bid had three times as many hashers as planned for. Was there another plot to undermine the Goa Interhash? Enquiring minds wanted to know . . . the enquiring Goa Committee minds wanted to know . . . I left them to their mission while I stayed with mine.

Back at my hotel room I reviewed all the goodies I'd been given and changed into my most revealing hash gear, prepared to "use whatever means necessary to ensure the successful completion of my final objective." Little did I know that KingFisher Beer had an additive that produced loose lips! Birth Canal, Whaleington and Bare Midriff were more than helpful when it came to discussing the financial costs.

I wondered if my GM in Lima was aware of the costs and the time associated with presenting a bid . . . perhaps that's why the code name was "Money Shot." I then rimmed my GM all the information (with a RIM pager). I was happy to complete another mission with the satisfaction of a job well done.

As I sat on the beach with my KingFisher beer watching the sun rise I wondered if the average half-mind hasher knew there was well over US$200,000 being being spent on bids? Did I as a hasher really need another t-shirt? Did spending this money really help win a bid? Was this really helping the hash or was it helping the government get involved in my fun? I knew my answers and hoped my GM in Lima would agree with me.

- Anonymous