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Grand Master. Grand Mattress. Joint Master. Tyrant. Dick-tator. Grand Poobah. Whatever you call them, the wankers who end up in charge of a local hash, in my drunken opinion, have certain responsibilities to keep their hash going. Just as importantly, they have the duty not to do other things that can be a buzz-kill. This is what I think: rant back if you will.

KEEP IT FUN: The hash has to be fun; almost everyone has better things to do than stay involved in a hash that become more stress and angst than its worth. A GM should check in with the mis-management to make sure they are not obsessing and watch the hash membership to be sure the fun quotient is still high. Low attendance, failure to get attract members, disappearance of stalwarts, and carping and bitching are all signs of Lack of Fun. (Actually, carping and bitching is fun, if done properly.) In case of LOF, the GM should take action. Obviously, this varies from hash to hash: this could mean a pep talk to mis-management, a membership drive, or new ways to revive the circle.

A good indicator is the GM's fun level. If you're not having fun, change something so you are.

KEEP IT SANE: The GM is going to be responsible. In the worst case, you're going to be cited on the complaint. But even on a day-to-day basis, you can help ensure things don't get to that point. You should notice whether everyone has finished the trail (the Acceptable Loss factor should never exceed 8 %!) or whether anyone has drunk more than her share of refreshing beverage, or if the R-rating is appropriate for the group. If you notice the potential for something bad, you're not anyone's momma, but if you have the means (a search party, a designated driver, a first aid kit) to help, speak up.

And if the cops show up, step forward. I think from a law enforcement perspective the only thing worse than a group of smelly, swilling runners is said group with no semblance of order. Depending on the situation, the sober GM can run interference ahead of time with making sure permits, advance notice, whatever, and save the day before problems surface (But then again, when is the GM really sober?).

KEEP IT REAL: The GM is the custodian of hash tradition: make sure your group remains a hash. You don't have to be a slave to tradition or fashion, but be sure your hash stays true to the ideals of a hash in general: Trail, beverage and camaraderie. One of my hashes tried to stop that annoying habit of laying trail in favor of going straight to the drinking part, and I discouraged this. It’s still a real hash today.

At the same time, the GM must steel himself against the temptations of AWESOME POWER OF THE HASH and:

RULE BY COMMITTEE: Don't do it all yourself. It takes away from your FUN FACTOR (trust me on this one). More importantly, if you're doing it all, no one else in the hash is slowly creeping into a leadership position to succeed you when you step down as leader (or even if you're hung over and skip a run). The more others have to do with a hash, the more an attachment and ownership they'll feel toward the hash, and the more likely they are to continue. Sucker in your cohorts, slowly give them things of interest to do, and <insert cackle now you've got them, my pretties.

RULE BY GENTLE PERSUASION: You wield the AWESOME POWER OF THE HASH best by the power of suggestion. If you're pressing something that simply is not popular among your troops, is it worth it? While you're KEEPING IT REAL in a big H Hash sense, small hash traditions and will evolve with leadership and membership. You can't really impose your will on hashers--they're not paying attention anyway. A hash will evolve into what it is. If it works, go with it, even if it differs from your ideal. One of my past hashes was newly founded and only 3 of us had hashed before, yet after 10 runs we had established unique traditions, not all of which I agreed with. Guide by persuasion, not edict.

RULE ALL YOU SURVEY (and no more): Hashes and hashers get together from time to time, but on a normal basis we hash with our hometown groups. Hash chapters operate independently of one another, though there is obvious linkage where several kennels run in the same city (see D.C. anthrax paranoia). The interaction among kennels should be primarily the exchange of information toward having fun. If you trade beer for sex (and who hasn’t?), the 12-step recovery plan is a good model for the Hash -- SEE http://www.sexaa.org/12trads.htm.

The GM of a local kennel should resist the temptation to intervene in another kennel. The Hash (big H) needs to organize from time to time to have events, track history, but each hash operates independently and that should be respected. Sometimes another hash is going to screw up; like a train wreck, you can’t help but watch—but that’s it! Just because you're the Anchorage H3 GM, Juneau nothing about hashes in other parts of Alaska. Sure, you have opinions, and feel free to state them. Then back off.

And a well-intended intrusion from outside a kennel should be politely met and then dealt, if at all, by that kennel's GM. And that's that (I screwed this one up big time, recently) .