Half-Mind Rant




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The Ephemera of Hashing

How Much Crap is Too Much?



The following is a transcript of a conversation between two hashers, Watergate and Gopher.  Neither knew their words were being preserved for posterity (not to mention the entertainment of you, our readers).  The scene opens with our two hashers arriving at an airport:

W – “Gopher, carry these 7 bags for me.”
G – “Huh?”
W – “Just shut up and do as you’re told!”
G – “Yes, dear.”
 

G – “Damn, these are heavy. What do you have in them anyway?”
W – “Not that it’s any of your business, but it’s all the giveaways from Interhash, that and a few items that I bought at the Hash Bazaar.”
G – “Don’t you have enough of that stuff yet? I mean really, how many hash shirts do you need?”
W – “It’s not that I *need* them, but it is nice to show that you’ve been to a variety of events.”
G – “ Um, I don’t think that when people are looking at your shirt, that they are actually reading the printing…”
W – “When I want to hear your opinion, I’ll give it to you.”
G – “Yes, dear.”
 

We not skip ahead to the airport lounge, as our nomadic hashers are being productive while waiting for their flight to be called:

W – (Dropping and shattering her mug after her fifth Key Lime Pie Martini) “Sh*t! And that was my Interhash mug.  Now what am I going to do?”
G – “You can have mine, I never use them anyway.”
W – “That’s what I had planned on, but it was very sweet of you to offer.”
G – “At the risk of repeating myself, what’s the big deal with all that haberdashery anyway?”
W – “I just love having all that stuff around; The On-On mouse pad, the whistles, the hats, the shirts, the fanny packs, all of it, I can’t get enough!”
G – “Yeah, but how much of it do you really use, and how much of it gets put away in a closet someplace, never to be seen again?”
W – “Well, I suppose that there is a lot of it in boxes, collecting dust, but it is nice to go through it every now and then, just to re-live the memories.”
G – “Memories?  You were so drunk the whole weekend, I doubt you remember any of it!”
W – “Did I ask for your perspective?  And besides, it’s way off.  If I want your perspective, I’ll give it to you!”
G – “Yes, dear.” 

Later that day, on a plane crossing the Atlantic:

W – (Being awakened by her own snoring, still drunk, half way through the flight) “Honey, could you get me a blanket?
G – “I would, but the fasten seat belt light is on.”
W – “If I was interested in the condition of the airplane, I’d ask the flight crew.  Now, about my blanket.”
G – “You know, that’s how AD got arrested. You don’t want me arrested, do you?”
W – “After all those smart-assed comments?  Maybe I do.”
G – “But then, who would carry all of your bags after we land?”
W – “I suppose you have a point, but now I’m all confused.”
G – “About what?”
W – “Well, you just had an original thought, and I didn’t correct it.”
G – “I have, on occasion, actually formed my own opinions and acted independently.”
W – “Kindly keep those times to a minimum.”
G – “Yes, dear.” 

Moving ahead, we find our heroes returning to Watergate’s condo, getting the last of her luggage inside:

G – “Wow, this place is a lot bigger than it was before!  What did you do?”
W – “I bought the unit next door and had the wall knocked out.”
G – “Why didn’t you call me?  I’d have come up and done this for you.”
W – “I wanted it done correctly and in a timely manner.  I really needed the extra space.”
G – “What are you doing with it?”
W – “I’m storing all my hashing memorabilia in it.  You’ll love it.  I have it all sorted geographically by continent, and then subdivided alphabetically by country, and then arranged proportionally so it ‘just goes.’  It has a certain hashing Feng Shui to it doesn’t it?”
G – “Feng Shui???  This stuff is all crap!  I mean, they bought it all from Gadgets, Trinkets & Half-Hearted Haberdashery.  If you try to use any of it, it falls apart.  They make all this shit in third world sweat shops where quality is a bad word!”
W – “Of course silly, why do you think I put in out on display rather than actually use it?  By the way, go get me your mug, it’s going right over here.”
G – “Yes, dear.”
 

Later that evening, having gotten everything unpacked, our now exhausted hashers are sitting down to a well-deserved beer:

W – “Gopher, what are you going to do with your goody bag from Interhash?”
G – “I’ll probably keep the one shirt, you know the really cool one with the big Interhash logo on the back, and the big map on the front.  The rest of the stuff, I’m going to give away.  I know a lot of people who can’t, for one reason or another, go to Interhash and they always seem to enjoy getting these trinkets.”
W – “I can’t believe you don’t keep it.”
G – “I’ve got heaps of this stuff.  More t-shirts than I’ll ever wear, drawers full of trinkets that I’ll never use, and a collection of hats and handbags that would fill a semi-truck!  I wish they would spend less money on this giveaway stuff and either lower the registration price, or add quality somewhere else.  As a matter of fact, I’d like to go to Interhash and not get a goody bag at all.”
W – “What about all the people who are going to their first Interhash?  You wouldn’t want them to walk away with nothing to remember it by would you?
G – “Ummm…”
W – “And what about the people, like me, who enjoy collecting all the memorabilia?  You wouldn’t want me to be unhappy would you?”
G – “Ummm…”
W – “I don’t think I like your tone on that one.  You wouldn’t want me unhappy would you?  YOU KNOW what it’s like when I’m unhappy now, DON’T YOU? (He receives ‘The Look’)”
G – “Yes, dear.”
W – “WHAT???”
G – “I mean… no… Of course I would never want to see you unhappy.”
W – “Good!  Now give me your goody bag.  You’re just going to give it away anyway.  I’ll save you the trouble.”
G – “Yes, dear.”

And as the sun sets on our intrepid Interhashers, it is left to you, our reader, to answer the question:  How much hashing memorabilia is too much?  What do you do with the contents of your goody bag once you get home, and does the extra bottle opener (which invariably breaks on the first bottle of beer…) make that much of a difference?  Would you still register for, and attend hashing events, knowing in advance, there would be no giveaway?  Would you prefer a reduced price event with the option of pre-ordering a goody bag for an extra fee?  And are some haberdashers really nothing more than Kathy Lee Gifford types, who exploit the same young children that Sally Struthers asks you to support (for the cost of a cup of coffee…)?



ON-ON,

Watergate and Gopher



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