Half-minds

Several months ago, I posted a musing about someone for whom I care a great deal.  This wanker had recently returned from playing in a sandbox, and not the good kind we played in as kids.  We had had long talks about life perspective and how the small things in life matter the most.  This month he tosses his own effort into the rant ring.  Read it and enjoy. 

Thank you, Mr. Bigglesworth. 

Watergate

Are Elephants Hashers?

Yeah, so, uh, I should be doing something else at the moment.  It’s sort of important.  It had to get done today, or at least this weekend.  I think.  Now, if I could only remember what it was….

It’s Sunday morning.  I’m slurping my way through a pot of coffee, sort of piddling away time until I have to put on hash clothes and get out the door to run-start.  In my ever-transparent effort to apply the equivalent of a push-up bra to my brain, I’m reading news articles and listening to NPR.  So, there’s this nifty article about memory loss and how to prevent it as one ages.  “Cool,” says me.  Lighting flash!  Thunder clap!  Bang, zoom, I’ve had an epiphany!  I think hashing is the answer to the world’s senility woes.  Original thought?  No, not really.  I’m just saying it under a newer light.

For this argument, I’ll reference the CNN.com article of 27Jan05, begotten from mayoclinic.com: “Keeping health in mind: 10 steps to keep your memory sharp,” http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/HA/00001.html.  Basically, the article spells out ten guidelines for preventing dementia as one ages.  Those who’ve known someone with Alzheimer’s will recognize the gravity.  For those wankers who still insist they’re descended from coneheads and thus immune, grab another beer, eat some more fiberglass, and read on anyway.  Take a gander at the article, then allow me to step through the various points with you.

Step 1: Exercise your mind.  The article says stuff, like “learn to play a new instrument.”  Now, this could be translated as taking up the skin flute for harriettes.  I’m just translating, here.  It also recommends interacting with people.  Now, in circle and on trail, I thoroughly enjoy striking up inane conversation with new folks and those I’ve know for ages.  It’s genuinely stimulating, in an I-still-have-my-clothes-on-so-it’s-just-mental kind of way.  Often random topics keep one’s brain jumping back and forth, all the while I’m still trying to figure out which way the stinkin’ hare went from the intersection.  So, add multitasking to the mix.  Then there’s the rote memory of longish songs, with a bit of lewd creativity injected.  I could ramble on about the brain-related stimuli, but I’ll continue down the list.

Step 2: Stay physically active.  Aerobic activity is undeniably good for the old carcass, but apparently it fluffs up the noggin too.  It has something to do with blood flow through all the capillaries, preventing arterial hardening, reducing risk of stroke.  Uh, huh-huh, cool: I said blood flow, hardening, and stroke all in one sentence.  Add in the strength training associated with skinny, little hasher hooking up with larger, not-so-skinny hasher and trying to escape in the early morning to get back to the keg (you’ve all seen this happen).  See, it’s not beer-goggles; it’s preventing senility (and helping blood flow).  The article also says stretching is a key element of such health.  I really can’t over-emphasize the importance of this aspect to all of our harriettes.  Ok, so, let’s see some more stretching then!  And don’t mind if harriers spectate; they’re fostering good blood flow.

Step 3: Eat, drink, and be healthy.  Ok, I see this as: have on-after barbecues often, do lots of down-downs, and promote ug-runs.  Really though, if you’re running, you’re gonna dehydrate.  You’ll likely get in the habit of not eating all junk so’s you don’t get snared when you hare.  It sort of goes with the territory.  And it also teaches folks to share the Cheetos with the circle verses hoarding the whole bag.  All good stuff.

Step 4: Develop a system of reminders and cues.  Any R.A. will tell you, it’s a good thing to have a routine in your head for running a circle.  If you’re notably daft, write down a few key words on a note card or beer label to lead your mind down the right track.  And cues?  Uh, well, I remember to blow my whistle because I run with it in my mouth.  Does that make me strange?  Nah, I’m just promoting memory retention in later life.  And chalk-talk?  Case in point.

Step 5: Take time to remember things.  My hash has the occasional half-moon run.  Sure, some hashes are full-moon, or even new moon, but guess what happens twice as often?  Yep, the ol’ half moon.  Why do I mention this?  Well, the morning after always serves as an occasion for me to pause, reflect, and try to figure just what happened on the previous night.  See, again the hash is promoting memory skills by providing an internal obstacle course for the brain.

Step 6: Learn relaxation techniques.  It took me a while to learn that this idea had nothing to do with my hash mom rubbing my shoulders and allowing myself to “just go with it.”  Really, I do this as soon as I get to start.  The car door cracks open, and it’s as if the air has a different perfume.  I draw a deep breath and sigh deliberately.  I stroll toward the beer van in bare feet, offer dues, then put butt to ground to tie my shoes.  It’s sort of a mental tradition with me, and it forces me to take time and recognize that the next few hours are all on my own time.  I relax very distinctly.

Step 7: Keep a positive attitude.  Most harriettes understand how prevalent this is among the harriers in circle.  “She’s gonna laugh at my next joke, I just know it.  Then I can offer her a beer (as if she can’t get it herself).”  Yeah, positive attitude is key.  And everyone’s known some annoying wanker who drags down the mood.  Uh, these folks amusingly never get good directions to the next week’s start.  It’s sort of like Darwinism for the happy folk.

Step 8: Talk to your doctor.  Ok, I read the article and all, but I think what they were getting at is that we should all find the occasion to “play doctor” more often.  Hey, makes sense to me.  Offer to check a hasher’s femoral artery… you’ll both have a reasonable recollection of the event.

Step 9: Check your levels.  They’re getting at blood pressure and cholesterol here.  Ok, be sensible here, if you’re doing all of the above, both ought to be at a reasonable level.  If not, my money says someone else in your hash has a similar problem and you can back each other up in dietary and week-a-day exercise habits.

Step 10: Keep your perspective.  We all do really, really stupid things.  Laugh at yourself.  Enjoy offering others the chance to chuckle with you at your own foolishness.  Hey, look at the way we name folks: “Tell me an embarrassing story about yourself.”  Sure some folks hate their names, and some simply stop coming out.  But those that keep coming out, it stands to reason, have light enough perspective that they can help the circle laugh when needed.

Well, there’s my troglodyte version of why hashing helps folks throughout their lives.  Me?  I’m a lifer.  Some of the most remarkable folks I know have been doing this much longer than yours truly.  I suppose they’re mental role models for me when it comes to creativity, acceptance, and perspective.  Ok, so if you’ve read this far, and you have any idea what I’m completely gaffing off today, throw me a bone here.  If you haven’t read this far, you smell of elderberries and you’re the offspring of a goat and large catfish, but in the nicest possible way.  Parting thought: offer this argument to virgins for perpetuation our degenerate, yet oh-so-mentally-healthy circles; let me know how it works for you.