Half-minds

What's in a name?  It depends.  But, according to Burnt Sox (who, btw, has included as many hasher names as I've ever seen in anything other than a Hash Trash), has decided to avail us of his opinions regarding the various gradients of naming guidelines.  Agree or disagree, few can deny that Mr. Sox (who had the name of  Anne Frank, when I was originally introduced to him) can write a mean missive.

Enjoy!

Watergate

What’s In a Name 2005?

The Hash Name is a good thing.  It allows the Hasher to flaunt law, ordinance and custom of society in relative anonymity. It also makes rejection much easier: "Get your tongue off me, Bridle Shower," is softer on the ego than, "Not on your life, Steve."    All Hash names are honorable, as are most Hashers.  There are no rules to Hash names, but as within the Hash, there is are guidelines.

             First off, it’s called a Hash Name. 

• “Hash,” as in a Hash Name is at its best when it is related to the Hash.  Ideally, a hash name should evoke some situation that only a combination of trail, hormones and (of course) beer can produce.  Picture it:  in 1995, Burnt Sox set his socks on a fire – in an oven -- after a hash. 
• “Name.”  Not phrase, sentence or paragraph.  The idea is that you can call a hasher by this Hash Name in time to have her get out of the way of a runaway keg.  “Whack Me, Smack Me, Lick My Leather Balls, Toesucker” is road kill in case of emergency. 

   All Hash Names are good, because they’re associated with Hashing.  The most challenging, and hence the most rewarding, is the Act of G hash name.  The Act of G name arises from a Hash event involving the Hasher, and the name itself is pretty, witty and gay.  Since Bulk Male discovered the internet, he has overflowed the inboxes of his home hash with long, boring messages.  John Handcock refused to sign the hash register—so he would never have enough runs to be named.  Battered Woman, pasted in a mixture of beer and flour, rushed home after a hash to meet a blind date.  Blank Check snarled a trail by adding his own true trail arrows – and checks -- during the run.  Amkneesia broke her knee during a Hash party but was so drunk she doesn't remember how.  Less fortunate hashers peeked through the window when Pay Per View got lucky.  This is the type of Hash name to which we all aspire but, given the combination of trail, hormones and beer, it doesn't happen that often.  Degree of difficulty:  5 beers. 

Next most difficult is the Headliner.  The Headliner name reports a incident at the hash involving the subject Hasher, but without the Act of G’s cleverness or originality. During a Hash party, Slick Slit demonstrated that she really does shave.  For Sale or Rent detoured during one trail to visit an open house.  Captain Titanic ironically never gets his feet wet during a run (this is really amazing to see).  Jigsaw entertains herself by collecting and reading the shredded paper used to lay trail.  Degree of difficulty:  4 beers and a shot.

Once in a lifetime you have an occasion that gives rise to the Once in a Lifetime name, which arises from a special, one-time event that is never to be repeated.  These opportunities, when they arise, must be seized upon.  Dahmer was named on the day the Hash retired its bulky, coffin-sized beer cooler.  Troll got his name the trail ended under a bridge.  If someone were to be named Blew Christmas on a December 25 run, I’d throw that in there, too.  This one rates 4 beers because someone has to be sober enough to notice the special event.

            Here’s a thought about the Illegal Alien name, where you name someone after their country of origin.  Think globally:  if the Hasher is deported, he’ll be back to a place where everyone is from that country, making the name puzzling at best.  In Thailand, Watergate might be a good name for a Yank, but back in Boston it’s unremarkable.  Bavarian Bush is cute in the USA, but back home in Mother Germany there are a lot of Bavarian bushes.  T and Ehh is funny, but when she goes back to Toronto she’s just another slab of Canadian bacon.  Why spend precious brain cells on a name that doesn’t translate?   

Then there’s the Speaking in Tongues name, which comes from an unfortunate statement made on the Hash by the Hasher, a statement embarrassing enough to be reminded of for the rest of her life.  One day, during a naming, the victim pleaded for a name:  "If you have any ideas, I'm Wide Open." Ten seconds later, he was.  She explained that she studied Portuguese, but the pack misheard her slightly accented English to say Pork & Cheese.  And Lick It Off, Baby yelled this phrase in an unfortunate moment when beer was dripping from her vessel.  The Speaking in Tongues name only rates 3 beers of difficulty because the average hasher says many stupid things in a relatively short time. 

Be your own judge on what clever is.  I think it’s particularly clever if the name is tame enough that you can tell your mother, but has a story behind it that would make a Catholic priest blush.  A name so gross it makes you wince is worth a cold beer.  A back story woven into a seemingly innocent name is priceless. 

Next on the chart is the Plastic Surgery name for a distinguishing (and, if possible, disfiguring) physical characteristic of the Hasher.  I have it authority that all the Sweet Cheeks of the Hash world do, in fact, have sweet cheeks.  SS Minnow looks a little bit like Gilligan.  Degree of difficulty is 3 beers, with extra credit for being clever enough to come up with a double entendre like Heart On, who has a tattoo of a “heart on” her groin, Holy Tit!, who has a pierced nipple, or Lip Service, who is pierced a little lower.  Caution:  you might have to change the name if the Hasher starts really running or has radical corrective surgery, like when Spare Tyre became Flat Tyre after Dr. Atkins came to town.  And Hashing is more than skin deep:  rest assured that all the Hemorrhoids in the Hash world are truly pains in the ass. 

Working our way along the scale, we find the Got a Life name, which arises from a non-Hash related hobby or past time of the Hasher.  Pitstop is an auto-racing fan (who has the tiniest bladder on the Hash).  Lady Bugger plays on an adult soccer (football) team called the Ladybugs.  All-Nighter is always the last one standing when the hash goes barhopping, and Patio Furniture is Irish and stays out all night.  The Got a Life name shows that someone has been paying enough attention to find out more about the Hasher, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the Hash itself.  Degree of difficulty:  3 beers.

Moving right along, we come to the Come at Will name, which includes the word  "cum."  Everyone hasher should strive to have sex more than talk about it, but for most of us talk is about as good as it gets.  And so, if someone remarks that she Seldom Cumz, or that he Comes When He (or In A) Can, or that she Comes on a Whim, go with the moment.  Degree of difficulty:  2 beers.

It’s still a name, but the Name Yo' Mama Gave Ya is not as challenging as those above.  As the title name suggests, this is simply the name your mother gave you, or a derivation. Witness Stained Sheetz, whose mother's last name is Sheets, or Kimo-I-Wanna-Lai-Ya, a Hasher-Hawaiian whose first name is Kimo.  His first name begins “P” and his last name is “Ennis”:  I give you Pennis.  And this works just fine for those Hashes that do not name, such as the Mother Hash and the D.C. Hash House Harriers. Degree of difficulty:  1 beer. 

Think twice about the Happily Ever After name, given to one Hasher based on his or her association with another Hasher.  Consider that if the association ends, both parties will certainly keep Hashing.  And who wants to go to the Hash to be reminded of that asshole who isn't making child support payments or the bee-yotch who stole my U2 CD's?  But, as in Hashing, there are no rules—look at Legal Tender, the daughter of Blank Check, who was named on her 18th birthday.

Next in line the Fruit of Our Labor (FOOL) name, derived from what the Hasher does to earn money for the next Hash Cash.)  If a Hash name is based on the means to get to enough Hashes to earn a name, are we not all doomed to live in a time-travel Star Trek rerun?  Pocket Scientist, a researcher for a space development agency; Rut Ro (think the Jetsons’ dog), a special education teacher.  These names seem to pop up most often in those hashes that name after a set number of runs:  why not wait until something Hashworthy happens?  You get half a beer for a FOOL name, but another round if you manage to make it clever, like aerospace researcher Big Bang. 

If a Hasher is renamed, the new name should rate a higher degree of difficulty than the first name.  And, if the renaming is at the Hasher’s request, the Hasher should hate the new name more than the old one.

Anything else would be uncivilized.